Hello to my beautiful readers/listeners and a massive thank you to my new paid subscribers!! There is nothing quite like receiving support for sharing the work that wants to move through you and out into the world.
But also….
There is nothing quite like the sledgehammer of criticism and judgement that comes crashing down right after the joy of receiving that support - any support really; a paid subscriber; a free subscriber; kind words; a ‘thank you for sharing this helped me so much!’
It’s taken decades to actually allow the kindness and acknowledgement to enter my heart - instead of balking and pushing it away immediately. But it's allowing it to stay that continues to be the problem. It's like there’s a vicious little Pac-Man, with sharp fangs and evil eyes, working its way through the maze-like folds and bends at all times, hunting down and gobbling up any and every crumb of worthiness I may have allowed to settle.
I didn’t exist to the people who were supposed to care that I did, but I guess it’s the fact that they still don’t that keeps this devilish Pac-Man from being satiated. For as long as they continue to walk this earth not giving a damn whether I do or not, I will forever be on my own quest to replant the seeds of worthiness every time they get devoured.
This is the beauty of the present moment though: it does not care how barren the land may be; it doesn’t care about the seeds that were never planted because of the love we never got; it doesn’t care about the seeds that were removed because of the mistakes we made; it doesn’t care about the seeds that never bloomed because of the beliefs we held about ourselves that stopped them from thriving.
All it asks is this: will you stay the loving and devoted gardener and will you plant another seed right now? Eventually, something will grow.
Eventually, Pac-Man will get tired. The console will run out of batteries. The technology will become outdated. The kids won’t care about some stupid game from the 80s. And that’s all our beliefs are: fabricated illusions that we’ve been stuck in for decades that we thought were so real but are really…just a game.
What’s real is this moment. What’s real is the earth beneath your feet and the breath in your body. What’s real is the seed of possibility you hold in your hand. What’s real is the power of choice you hold at all times….
Will you take another deep breath. Will you be exactly where you are right now and will you kneel down and plant another seed.
Please enjoy this week’s guided meditation Breathe and Be Here.
So much love,
Carolyn 💞
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